you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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