we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
In other news, I just burned my penis
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
