The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
