I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
