Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
