The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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