New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
