The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
