i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
