Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
only if we run a train.
done.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I supernannyed him into submission
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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