I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
