i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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