oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize