i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
