After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
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How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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