why didn't you poke me back
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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