im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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