I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
