i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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