I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
