We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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