you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
