LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
