i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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