I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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