i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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