How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
