Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
