I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
