My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
