my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
