ya dads aren't the best wingmen
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
