okay pat passed out under dana's car
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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