So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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