They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
