i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
