I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
