once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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