I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
