haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
