you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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