I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Randomize
