come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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