there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The feeling are messing with the penis
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
