Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
