It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
