I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
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