I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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