Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
