Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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