i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
