I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
