just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
