1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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