I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
