I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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