Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
