every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
